Couples Therapy

It’s not just for couples on the verge of breaking up.

The love is there, the commitment is there, but you just don’t seem to be on the same page anymore.

You feel like your concerns aren’t fully acknowledged, and this leaves you feeling alone and angry.

It feels impossible to address your issues, because your responses to conflict are so different. One of you avoids, and one of you pushes… and you both end up feeling frustrated, overwhelmed, and disappointed.

Other times it’s like you’re just sharing space.

You miss that feeling of being on the same team.

Longing to feel seen, heard, and understood. You both want the same thing: to be together, to understand each other, to feel connected and happy…

…but the distance from here to there feels like uncharted territory, and you don’t know how to begin.

Our most intimate relationships bring up our deepest needs and fears.

Sara* finally met a man whom she adores and who treats her with kindness and respect, but she feels endlessly frustrated by Joe’s* seeming inability to communicate with her about his feelings.

He holds everything in, unwilling to acknowledge any concern until it all becomes too much to handle, and he completely shuts down and acts distant. Sara doesn’t understand Joe’s behavior because she is open to hearing about Joe’s complaints and concerns.

She’s willing to make compromises and problem solve, but she can’t do anything when she doesn’t know what’s on his mind. Sara keeps asking (demanding) Joe to open up and feels hurt and alone when he doesn’t.

Joe can’t explain why he shuts down. He just knows it feels terrifying to speak up when he finds himself bothered by something Sara does or doesn’t do. He loves her and doesn’t want to upset her or make her angry, and he feels overwhelmed and frozen when she demands that he explain himself and when he sees that she feels hurt.

They both feel stuck, misunderstood, and frustrated.

When we connect with another person on a deep and intimate level…

… we also make ourselves vulnerable to our deepest fears of rejection, abandonment, and inadequacy. We allow another person to see every version and part of ourselves, not just the polished ones we carefully present to the rest of the world.

This vulnerability combined with our deep, innate need to be accepted and loved in our totality means the stakes are high. This is why the inevitable challenges and conflicts that come with sharing a life with another person can be especially distressing.

Here’s what it’s all about…

Couples therapy is about learning and practicing ways to connect, communicate, solve problems, and resolve conflict.

In counseling, Sara and Joe both look at their automatic responses and discover they have other options available.

Sara recognizes the way she has been approaching Joe feels overwhelming to him. When he feels flooded, he has difficulty thinking clearly and communicating effectively. Sara identifies a fear of being alone that has been triggered by Joe’s reticence. She realizes that when this fear gets activated, her nervous system kicks into fight or fligh,t and she tries to force her partner into connecting by nagging and demanding.

Sara begins to see that when she does this, Joe’s own fears get activated; but his nervous system responds in the opposite manner. He freezes and feels completely unable to access his thoughts and explain himself. Sara learns new ways to approach Joe and practices accepting and respecting Joe’s need for time to process.

Joe realizes that his fear of opening up is about a fear of rejection. When he expresses to Sara his need for reassurance, he experiences the openness and love with which she receives him. He then feels safer to share with her some of his concerns.

It feels unfamiliar and scary at first; but using some of the communication tools he has learned, Joe allows himself to go beyond his comfort zone and try something new. He is pleasantly surprised to find that when he opens up, Sara is receptive to his concerns, listens calmly, and together they find solutions.

It’s about learning to be vulnerable and honest with yourself…

… so, you can be honest with your partner about your feelings and needs and then be receptive of your partner’s doing the same.

Joe and Sara were both experiencing a fear that was compelling their behavior. It wasn’t comfortable for either of them to acknowledge to themselves and feel those fears. However, once they did, and once they shared them with the other, they discovered that on the other side of their vulnerability was a loving partner who wanted to meet their needs.

It’s about taking responsibility for yourself and your actions for the higher good of the relationship.

Joe and Sara each had to try new ways of acting and reacting. It wasn’t easy, because the old ways were so well practiced, they were nearly automatic. Sometimes they fall back into their old habits. When they do, they gently recognize, admit what happened, and make a course correction.

The more they practice, the easier it gets; and the more they see the positive outcome of their efforts, the more motivated they feel to continue their new path.

The magic of taking this all-important first step…

In choosing to seek couples therapy, you are affirming that you prioritize your relationship.

You will learn to extend this affirmation into your daily life, because the real work magic of therapy happens between the sessions.

The magic happens when you take the time to be present with your partner and really listen to him/her… and get curious about this person about whom you may have THOUGHT you knew everything. Now, imagine how it would feel for him/her to do the same for you!

You and your partner will become a team.

This means that, while conflict is unavoidable, it is never handled with contempt, because you are on the same team.

Each of you has a part to play, but your love and appreciation for one another is the foundation of it all.

When you feel your relationship is a safe and loving place, you feel more confident facing challenges together and going out into the world as individuals.

Give me a call today for a free 15-minute consultation.

Let’s chat about what’s going on in your relationship and discuss how couples counseling might help you move together toward your goals: (415) 408-6020.