You may feel that motherhood was meant to be your path…
And that path would have brought you so much joy, fulfillment, and purpose.
And it may have, had it been your path. But, you are now facing the reality that it isn’t.
That sadness you feel is grief. It’s often a grief that goes unnamed and unacknowledged because it comes from a loss that is not always obvious to the outside eye. However, for those of us who dreamed of, hoped for, and expected motherhood, facing the reality of life without it is a very real loss.
What is ambiguous loss?
Dr. Pauline Boss coined the term “ambiguous loss” in the 1970s to refer to types of loss that exists without clear closure. She identified two types, the first of which is defined as psychological presence with physical absence. Sound familiar?
You may have a very real felt sense of that baby who never manifested. That is psychological presence with physical absence. And it can be very painful. Ambiguous loss can be among the most stressful types of loss because, unlike more clear-cut types of concrete losses (such as death), there is a lack of closure, preventing resolution of the loss and stalling the grief process.
The good news is this: You can move through this grieving process and find joy again.
I’ve come up with an acronym to help our minds think about moving through ambiguous grief as a process of components. This helps us to more easily “check in on” ourselves along the way and makes it easier to connect to a sense of agency in the face of circumstances beyond our control.
The acronym is SEARCH.
S is for Self-compassion: We must practice treating ourselves with the same kindness and understanding that we would offer to a beloved friend in distress. Higher levels of self-compassion lead to more resiliency, change, and growth.
E is for Education: Society tells us certain things about what we should do or be, and it’s natural to start to believe those ideas without realizing they weren’t ours to begin with. Becoming more aware of these messages can help us process our grief more effectively.
A is for Acceptance: Acceptance is not the same as resignation, approval, or giving up. It is acknowledging the truth of the reality we find ourselves in. Paradoxically, in doing so, we find ourselves better equipped to move forward, heal, and change.
R is for Rewriting our Narratives: The importance of rewriting our personal narrative lies in reclaiming agency over our own life story and identity. It allows for a more authentic, self-affirming, and emotionally healing perspective. It helps us move from a place of grief and loss towards a more balanced and empowered sense of self, where motherhood is just one aspect among many that may define our identity and purpose.
C is for Community and Connection: Finding community in the process of healing from the grief of not becoming a mother provides opportunities for sharing, learning, and resilience-building, while also playing a role in challenging and reshaping societal narratives around motherhood and womanhood.
H is for Helping Others: Acts of service and helping others can be a powerful source of support and healing for individuals grieving the loss of motherhood. These actions not only provide relief from grief but also offer opportunities for personal growth, connection, and a renewed sense of purpose.
Your life may not look as expected but I am here to support you on your first steps towards discovering all the meaning and happiness it can offer.
I would love to hear more about your story and where you are on your journey.
Book a call with me now to discuss how I can support you along the way!